Well it was sure a more fun when this was becoming a travelogue, but throngs have shifted and I need to write about my truth.
I try to read about buddhism and work so hard acceptance, but when I was told last week that I’m down to weeks rather than years due to the brain and liver metastasis i just couldn’t grasp it as my reality. What kind of cruel world takes a mom from her kids at 43, a daughter from her parents, a wife from her husband? I love this world as crazy as it is. I adore my friends and family. I say thanks everyday for this good life. I have totally failed to let go of the material. I admit I love my wardrobe and our house. I love them. I’m not ready to leave. I love our life in SF and the glorious adventures of CA and the West and this whole wide world.
So fuck cancer. I’m so mad and so sad. I’m not ready. I have cancelled all march travel but I’m still keeping my eyes on family trips to Paris and Mexico. I’m taking one day at a time. I will do any treatment where the toxicity vs benefit pay off makes sense and I will do my best to earn more time to enjoy my family and friends.
Creighton has been the rock I need. This is no fun for him and he is the one who will lean on the village when I’m gone. Thank you all for the love you have already given us. Will doesn’t love to talk about it, but ask Bebe how she’s doing or I’m doing. She likes that.
I painted with oils today. Hadn’t a clue what I was doing but it was very freeing. A gorgeous deep cerulean blue canvas.
I alternate between tears and laughter and just normal. It is a tough roller coaster. It crushes me that the kids have to deal. I saw a whole lifetime them and so wanted to see how they would turn out. I spent so long saving and worrying about money and now like everything it stays behind. Such is this weird life. For now one day at a time. Tomorrow I will get a port and possibly some platelets. Fingers crossed Rugo hopes it will make treatments easier and we will keep experimenting. For now at least I’m tolerating the aabraxine well and still doing acupuncture. Onwards.