Hard to grasp idea of an early death

Well it was sure a more fun when this was becoming a travelogue, but throngs have shifted and I need to write about my truth.

I try to read about buddhism and work so hard acceptance, but when I was told last week that I’m down to weeks rather than years due to the brain and liver metastasis i just couldn’t grasp it as my reality. What kind of cruel world takes a mom from her kids at 43, a daughter from her parents, a wife from her husband? I love this world as crazy as it is. I adore my friends and family. I say thanks everyday for this good life. I have totally failed to let go of the material. I admit I love my wardrobe and our house. I love them. I’m not ready to leave. I love our life in SF and the glorious adventures of CA and the West and this whole wide world.

So fuck cancer. I’m so mad and so sad. I’m not ready. I have cancelled all march travel but I’m still keeping my eyes on family trips to Paris and Mexico. I’m taking one day at a time. I will do any treatment where the toxicity vs benefit pay off makes sense and I will do my best to earn more time to enjoy my family and friends.

Creighton has been the rock I need. This is no fun for him and he is the one who will lean on the village when I’m gone. Thank you all for the love you have already given us. Will doesn’t love to talk about it, but ask Bebe how she’s doing or I’m doing. She likes that.

I painted with oils today. Hadn’t a clue what I was doing but it was very freeing. A gorgeous deep cerulean blue canvas.

I alternate between tears and laughter and just normal. It is a tough roller coaster. It crushes me that the kids have to deal. I saw a whole lifetime them and so wanted to see how they would turn out. I spent so long saving and worrying about money and now like everything it stays behind. Such is this weird life. For now one day at a time. Tomorrow I will get a port and possibly some platelets. Fingers crossed  Rugo hopes it will make treatments easier and we will keep experimenting. For now at least I’m tolerating the aabraxine well and still doing acupuncture. Onwards.

 

Love tonall

16 thoughts on “Hard to grasp idea of an early death

  1. K- You are a brave and lovely soul. Here you are nourishing others with your voice. Feel my virtual hug. You are so frank and so real. Xo, Katie Sears

    Alexander Sears creative Sent from my iPhone

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  2. I can’t even comprehend what you’re going through. Somehow I can’t help believing that this is just a bump in thr road And some new treatment will appear. All my good thoughts are with you. Keep that village going. Linda

    Sent from my iPad

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  3. Words can’t express the sadness I feel when reading this, we all love you and your family. Know we are with you every step of the way and will be there irrespective of outcome. Your strength and tenacity in the face of this evil illness has been nothing short of remarkable. There are no words I could write that would numb your emotional and physical pain. Through your struggle you have created a bond amongst strangers, made friends closer and made this world a better place. Godspeed.

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  4. Kerry, I’m afraid to write here because I don’t know how to convey the multitude of feelings-awe, anger, sadness and just wanting for you to continue to love your life and Will and BeBe and Creighton and your parents and Peter and Sabrina and your house and your wardrobe. And I love that you love all of your life. Love it all and them all. They and it all love you just as madly.

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  5. You are one heckuva inspiration, Kerry. I only got to see you 2x a year but you have that special energy that is just awesome. Thanks for sharing your experience–even while it is so incredibly tough.

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  6. I’ve been following all your posts and hesitant to write but reading this… well, I think for me, today life sucks when I think of you and your incredible soul having to even contemplate an early death. It’s just sucks. When I think of the fact that in body at least you will leave Creighton and your two beautiful littles, I can’t fathom the sadness. I love you; always have and always will. I admire you. And I believe in life after death and karma and reincarnation, so when it happens, I know you’ll be there cheering for all us other beauitiful souls out here. Solder on, Kerry; I know you’ll make he most of every miracle that comes your way. And much love and admiration always

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  7. Kerry,
    Your words are as beautiful and magnificent as you are!! Sending much love to all of you,
    Linda Rosenberg Ach
    Xoxoxoxo

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  8. So sad to read this, Kerry. You are a vibrant, beautiful, articulate, creative, and passionate woman, and your strength and honesty inspires me. Keep fighting, girl. You can surely defy the odds. Sending much love.
    xo Jess from Hoyt❤

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  9. Kerry – WTF?! I hear you. I feel you. Not because I have ANY IDEA really what you are going through, but because I can only imagine and that is just not right. You are rad. You are strong. You are one bitchin chick. Smart, kind, compassionate, tenacious, genuine, good, optimistic, charismatic, gorgeous, athletic, feisty, JUST ALL AROUND GOOD PEEPS!!! I haven’t seen you in years – I think since NY, but my pops keep me in the loop and I have been following your journey and your pain and your triumphs. I think about you. I am so impressed and sad and really just want you to know that I love you and wish you and your family peace. Cancer sucks ass. Not fair to take you so young and not fair to your family. You have fought and taken on cancer as best as anyone could! Not surprising. You are badass Kerry. In every way. Much love. Much respect. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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  10. Kerry – Just know that we are thinking of you and praying for you and Creighton and the beautiful family you have created. It’s not fair and it makes me so sad to read your words. But thank you for them. Fuck cancer. Love, Noelle

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  11. Kerry, you likely won’t remember me but we were connected several years ago by Carl Kawaja. I had just been diagnosed with melanoma and triple negative breast cancer, and was completely overwhelmed by the diagnoses, and Carl thought you would be a good person for me to talk to. He was right. You were honest, funny, wise and inspiring and you made me realize that the only thing I had control over was how I was going to approach this disease. That mindset made such a difference and, I am sure, played a role in my recovery. I was unbelievably sad to hear about your diagnosis and wanted you to know what an impact your words and kindness had on me.

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  12. Kerry,
    I’m on a flight 35,000 feet up in the air, looking out at the clouds, and heartbroken that your family, your friends and this world might lose you. For a photography project senior year at Exeter, I shot you, Leslie and Annie Davidson for a feminist re-telling of world history. You were on the cover, posed as Atlas, holding up the globe. You were strong and fierce and spirited and quite up to the job of saving the planet from its destruction. You are leaving imprints far and wide on this planet: your generous heart and bright smile have lifted all of us.
    Much love,
    Sarah

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